Caroline Wozniacki’s music video for her charity single “Oxygen” has hit the internet. I already know the song by heart, having listened to it on loop in order to capture the best lyrical nuggets when the song was leaked a few weeks ago. Now that it’s accompanied by visuals and a storyline (I think?) let’s break this down.
1. I must admit, I am thoroughly confused. Is this a girl meets boy kind of thing? Because I’m actually way more convinced by the love story between the german shepherd and his tennis ball. That tennis ball is his oxygen, of that I am sure.
2. You can’t fool me, music video director. Just because you put a drummer (who looks 12 years old, by the way) and a bassist in the video doesn’t make me believe for one second that this song wasn’t composed entirely on Garage Band.
3. This four-minute video has to be the longest stretch of time wherein Caroline Wozniacki has not smiled in her life.
4. “Oh no! Paparazzi are taking pictures of me working with kids! This is the worst thing ever! We have to run!” Yup, makes sense.
5. At the 2:15 mark, Caroline answers one of my burning questions rather definitively: Can you actually say, “Boy you’re my match point” with a straight face? As Caroline shows, the answer is yes.
6. Glaring hole in the plot: Caroline — or sorry, the character Caroline plays — is all smitten by Leather Jacket, makes the first move with the ever seductive “finger caress on the tram” move (patent pending, surely), goes to dinner with the guy (what restaurant lets you bring in your dog? Hello! Health code violation!), and then gets a mysterious phone call that makes her bolt with no explanation. What was said during that call? Did Piotr call and tell she’s out past her curfew and she’s going to be in major trouble? Did the private investigator she surely has on speed dial discover something seedy in Leather Jacket’s past? Did her doctor call to deliver the test results indicating that she is, in fact, deathly allergic to dogs? These are questions that remain unanswered.
7. Which means there’ll be a sequel, obviously.
8. Upon further reflection, maybe the true love story is between Caroline and the dog. Check out that heart-wrenching look they share at 2:30-2:35. If that’s not a meaningful look, I don’t know what is.
9. While I appreciate the sentimentality of gifts, if there’s one thing I’m pretty sure Caroline has a ton of, it’s tennis balls. Weak move, buddy.
10. I have to say, the Inception-like ending was perfect. As the cast and crew reunite in slow motion to applaud their work it suddenly dawns on you: NONE OF THIS WAS REAL.